letters

dear mom,
it's been almost a year since i last saw you and everyday i wish i could say goodbye to you. i just want to hear your voice. when you were in a good mood, it was the most innocent voice i'd ever heard.

i started taking karate again and i am hoping to graduate from my master's program in april. i wish you could see me graduate. i wish you could have seen me at my bachelor's commencement ceremony. i wish i could see you.

mom, i want to be a teacher. and start a family. sometimes i'm angry at you for leaving. how am i supposed to do all these things alone? darlene doesn't talk to me about you. but i know she feels something. why do i feel like i have to keep this all inside? like if i let it go, i'll lose you forever? sometimes i feel so alone. and when i do, i try to remember your smile. but sometimes i can't. it's not because you didn't smile, or that you didn't have a beautiful smile. everyone who met you knew how beautiful your smile was. it's because i never appreciated it enough. i never expected that i wouldn't see you again.

god mom, i am so sorry i yelled at you on thanksgiving. can you ever forgive me? because i still can't forgive myself. i don't know how.

and i just.. want to to talk to somebody. can you hear me? sometimes i am very angry at myself for going to germany for christmas. but how was i supposed to know? now i'm so afraid to go anywhere because i might lose somebody else. i used to love thanksgiving but now already i'm holding my breath, hoping that if i don't breathe, thanksgiving won't come. and if thanksgiving doesn't come, then Christmas won't come. and then new years won't come. and then january 13th won't come and then it'll never be a year.

sometimes i can't tell which way i'm going. dad wants to go visit your grave but i'm afraid to go with him. the only reason i can say these things now is because nobody can see me cry when i post them on the internet.

i miss you.
i love you