A mother's daughter...
Wow..the weather has sure changed. Autumn is here and winter is not far behind. The seasons, they come and go so quickly. Don't they?!! Not unlike life, I suppose. Everything changes so fast! All we can truly rely on in this life is this very moment. We never know what the next one will bring. I think that lesson has hit home for me even more lately, with everything that has gone on around me. A few months ago my husband lost a favorite uncle. In May our friend lost her husband to cancer. Then two weeks ago my childhood pal was killed in a car accident. Even our own vox community has been stricken with death recently. Marque - Berk's grandma. It just seems to be lurking in the shadows these days. The first time I was affected by death was when I was 14 years old. My grandpa died. I loved him so much! He was a kind and wonderful man. Always quick with a joke and a smile. He was the only man in my life that ever made me feel like a princess. Then at 21 I lost my grandma..followed closely by the death of my other grandparents. But no death has affected me as much as my Mom's. My Mom - bless her heart was loved by everyone that knew her. Just like her Dad before her. She was a quiet soul whose favorite pastime was knitting for the entire community. Sweaters, caps, scarfs, mittens. It was as if her goal in life was to fill the world with warmth through a set of knitting needles and a few balls of yarn. She had a tough life. Living with an alcoholic husband was not an easy road for her. But she stayed. And although, as an adult, I often questioned her devotion to him, her "staying" was not my decision to make. After she died I could understand her decision to stay a little more. My Dad was a wreck. This woman was his heart, his soul, and his life. Her death took away a piece of him. He would sit in his chair watching their anniversary video. Rewinding the parts with her in it -watching it over and over - rewinding again - watching again - in a daze. Just grief stricken empty eyes. It was only then that her "decision to stay" became much more clear to me - among all the pain and dysfunction there was love! A couple of months after her death, when we decided it was time to sort through her things, I just knew it would be more than Dad could handle. So, being the only child, the task was left to me - sorting out what stayed and what went - to where and to whom. Giving away her clothes and jewelery was tough enough...but one of the most difficult things to give away was her knitting needles - wool still attached, just sitting there, like a loyal old dog, waiting patiently for her return. I could not part with those. They are, and will always be, a constant reminder of the goodness this women had inside her. The other most difficult was the little box of artwork and old xmas cards she had kept. Things I had given her over the years. It was not so much the memories of giving them that bothered me..and it certainly was not the quality of the artwork. It was because these things were a cold reminder that there was no longer anyone in the world who loved me enough to save my report cards, my artwork, or my xmas cards. I was no longer a mother's daughter.
Comments
I had to sit here for a few minutes to compose myself enough to be able to see so I could type you a comment but now I don't know what to say!
You know that I know what you are feeling because we are both no longer a mother's daughter. That statement reminds me of something that my dad said to me earlier this year when we were talking about something to do with my mom. He said it took him a long time, after my mom died, to realize that his children lost their mother....he was so focused on the loss of his wife, it didn't consciously hit him that the loss was anybody else's as well.
And its interesting to see your reflections on your parents marriage. There is so much we don't see from the outside. My parents were the same way. Sometimes we didn't understand why they stayed together. That always reminds me to not judge someone else's relationship.
So much loss. Its harder on the ones left behind. (Ironically, I just watched the movie Premonition tonight.....my mind is still reeling.)
Your mom sounds like a wonderful woman....and her daughter appears to take after her. ((((((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Aww you are such a sweetie...thanks! It's nice to have people like you in my neighbourhood too! And you're right...love can take away any pain (or at least make it easier to bear)
Dee.. thank you! I think you're pretty wonderful too! Your advice, your thoughts, and your concern for others is obvious!
I know that you understand my emotion, because you have been there too! It's tough to lose your mom...it's like a piece of your existence - your sense of belonging has been ripped away. Not a day goes by that I don't think of her and miss having her around.
Marie, this was so beautifully written. I can't imagine the loss you feel. The part about your dad rewinding the video was enough to make me choke up. I wonder if that's why you're still in the marriage situation you're in? You remind me of what you said about your mom. People love you this way too. Your words are your art (from what I can see). You don't have to knit to touch people. You write and you touch people. I know you've touched MY life so much. You've honored your mother with THIS post. It makes me want to be a better person and mother.
Death is just so hard. Marque was quite a shock to me and it just doesn't seem possible that someone so colorful could really be gone. Greiving is something I never learned to do well.
Thank you for sharing a little bit of your mom with us:)
You could be right Shell... I adopted Mom's attitude - refuse to see the bad in people. Worse thing about that attitude is it usually comes back to bite me in the behind...but in my home situation...it has definitely been the right decision to make (so far anyway) *fingers crossed*
Thank you so much for the kind words. They mean so much to me and were just what I needed to hear.
Nettie...if anyone knows loss it's you! I have watched you go through all of those losses. My heart broke for you when you lost your hubby in May (you were the friend I was speaking of) Yet...you stay so positive.
I admire you so much! xx
Wow Marie
Thaking you for sharingthat with us about your mom it made me cried.
It made me think of the death of my father the anniversary of his death is coming up in October it will be 19 years and it still hurts.
I know how it feels to lose someone close I amnolonger daddy's little girl.
Thank you for sharing.
hugggs
I was only young when Nan passed away, but I do remember what it felt like. It was then I realized how fragile life and relationships are - even if I didn't understand all that was happening around me.
Even though Nan isn't here anymore, please remember that you are to me what she is to you. There is no one on this earth that loves me as much as you do and I will always know that - and please know that I love you just as much right back.
Besides, I honestly believe that she is looking over both of us, helping us along in life, making sure that we are okay. We may not have had a perfect life, but we have so many things to be thankful for - I would be lying if I said I thought she didn't have a part in making those things happen.
You were right - I cried when I read this, because it is a gentle reminder to me that I won't have you forever... we never have the people we love in our lives forever... all we can do is make the most of the time we do have and never take it for granted.
I really do love you, and miss you more than you know Mom. I really do.
I love you too sweet girl of mine!!! All the monies in the world!! ;-)
Such a wise woman I've raised! xx
Hugs Robbbie! No it won't be easy..but you WILL get through....strength is an amazing thing!!
I am so sorry for the losses you've experienced. This a beautiful post. But I want to say, you are and will always be your Mother's daughter. That doesn't end in death. {{Hug}}